MIKE: “Hey, Jessica! How as your weekend?”
JESSIE: “Nifty, thanks! By the way, I prefer Jessie.”
MIKE: “Ope. My bad. Have a great day, Jessie!”
See how Mike didn’t pretend to know Jessie better than she knew herself? Swell, right? Know what else Mike didn’t do? He didn’t…
- ASK TO SEE A PASSPORT, DRIVERS LICENSE, OR BIRTH CERTIFICATE
- VIEW OR INQUIRE ABOUT THE STATUS OR HISTORY OF HER GENITALIA
- RECENTER THE CONVERSATION AROUND HIMSELF
- ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO DISRESPECT HER
- PRIORITIZE HIS COMFORT OVER OFFENDING HER
When someone asks you to call them a different name?
Be like Mike.
Most people aren’t comfy with confrontation, even when it’s a teeny-tiny simple request. As a result, that sense of dread can become paralyzing for people compounded by additional circumstances. Like if someone happens to be young. Or an introvert. Or have sensory-processing issues. Or have been sent countless messages by Society™ that being trans is somehow a “choice” and that their mere existence falls somewhere on the continuum between an inconvenience and an abomination.
So for all my virtual cubs out there who may still be struggling with setting boundaries at work, here’s a sample email I helped someone compose. Please feel free to adapt as desired. May having a starting place give you the confidence to step further into your authentic light.
Sample Email to Co-Workers
Good Afternoon! As you may have heard, I have decided for personal reasons to no longer use the name (OLD NAME). The legal name change process will take a while, however, with the (SUPERVISOR NAME’S) support, I’ve decided to go ahead and start using (CHOSEN NAME) immediately. Not only will you using the name (CHOSEN NAME) send me a clear message that I am a respected and valued team member; it will also let me know that I can trust you to honor my boundaries and help maintain a healthy work environment. I understand it may take some time to not make mistakes, but please know that I am so very grateful for your effort, understanding, and support!
The fine print…
- If people ask why, don’t feel obligated to explain. Maybe it’s a nickname. Maybe you want to match some monogrammed towels you found at Goodwill. Maybe it’s none of their business.
- The legal name change timeline is 100% irrelevant. As a result, be intentionally vague; it holds true even if you never change it legally.
- If you don’t have a supervisor who supports you, I’m sorry. They suck. Just remove the part between “however,” and “I’ve decided.”
- When advocating for yourself, be as professional as possible and document as much as possible.
- As my amazing mother-in-law says, “You ARE worth a shit.” Above all, remember that everyone single one of us is simultaneously a work in progress AND a masterpiece.
As Dale Carnegie once said, “Names are some of the most wonderful words in any language.”
Names have power; don’t let others take yours away.
